Posted: Mon 13 Jun 2005 18:09 Post subject: What "Race" or "Type" of Man Attracts You?
I am curious. We multiracials - or even if some of us are not multiracials. Are you attracted most to men who also look multiracial? Or men or look 'black? or "white"?Or something else?
For those of you who are already married. Did you make a concerted effort to find a husband of that type or race? Or it just happened? Were you open to other types? or you only wanted one specific type/race?
Are there any of us for whom the multiracial "type" turns you off/does not attract you?
I would also be curious to hear about our dating histories. Did all/most of your boyfriends tend to be one type? Was it a mixed bag? If married, is your husband different fromt he type you tended to date?
One thing that strikes me is that since we were subsumed in the black category for so many years, if you/we were to attracted to black men it was seen as being an oreo or sellout. When in reality, if we had had our own "category" perhaps at least some of use would be truly revealed to simply prefer "our own" meaning a type that resembles us, our daddies etc. Instead we got mislabeled.
This is kind of how it was for me. I was usually not to attracted to black men - but I also usually was not attracted to really white skinned men. I liked men who looked like the men in my family, who did not look "black" but were CALLED black because of the one drop rule. So when I dated then I was told I was a sellout (I dated lots of Hispanid and Middle Eastern men) - when in fact it was really just what Freud said - we tend to gravitate to men who look like significant male figures in our lives.
Posted: Tue 14 Jun 2005 01:16 Post subject: Men I'm attracted to -- sorta long
What a great question. And for me, very therapeutic.
I'm new to this group, and boy, oh, boy, I sure feel that I've found myself! I guess I'm MGM -- I don't have one white and one black parent, but I look very mixed and I'm always getting the "what are you" question.
People address me in Spanish, South Asian men really seem to be attracted to me, and once, an African guy said, "I wasn't sure you were black until I saw you from behind."
Anyway, when I first started having crushes, it was on other mixed looking boys. But since I grew up with the ODR idea, and the idea that black came in many colors, I didn't realize that the first boys I found attractive looked something like myself.
However, in 5th grade I had an experience that changed my life. While struggling with a ton of books I had ordered at school (reading was my biggest hobby), I came to the attention of a black girl -- by that, I mean phenotypically West African looking. Dark skin, short nappy hair.
And she had a bad, self-loathing attitude.
From then on, my life was hell. She hated me. She tortured me. She tried to beat me up. She and her friends sought me out and called me what many of you have been called -- white girl, white nigger. Every single day. I learned not to go to school with my hair down -- always kept it up in a ponytail or something. Heaven forbid "they" find out you have long hair, too! My sister, who is culturally blacker than I, still didn't escape it. A couple of girls told her in junior high that they were going to get some scissors and cut her hair!
So now, fast forward. I have never dated a black man, or even a brown one. I used to be married to a WASP, and lately it seems that Jewish guys tend to be attracted to me.
I used to feel bad about not dating black men. Felt I needed therapy or something. But since I've gotten to know that there are tons of Jewish men who won't look twice at a Jewish woman.
And if it's okay for them, why can't it be okay for me? I'm into grabbing a little white privilege for myself, these days.
Posted: Tue 14 Jun 2005 04:10 Post subject: Your "Racial" Type of Man
Quote:
From then on, my life was hell. She hated me. She tortured me. She tried to beat me up. She and her friends sought me out and called me what many of you have been called -- white girl, white nigger. Every single day. I learned not to go to school with my hair down -- always kept it up in a ponytail or something. Heaven forbid "they" find out you have long hair, too! My sister, who is culturally blacker than I, still didn't escape it. A couple of girls told her in junior high that they were going to get some scissors and cut her hair!
Yet, all the one-drop supporters will tell you that you have to be "black" because the supposedly racist "whites" will be mean to you.
Between the ages of 12 to 16, I was attracted to black boys. I've always been a daydreamer. My romantic fantasies would always involve a black guy.
By the time I got to Jr. High, a small group of black girls noticed me and decided that I was VERY ugly, not just ugly but VERY ugly. These girls would express this opinion openly and for some reason, it didn't matter to them whether I was present or not. I've always been taught that if you couldn't say something nice, then, don't say anything at all. I never understood the aspect of black American culture that discards tactfulness and good manners. These people have the impression that it's fine to say whatever the hell they want to whomever they want with impunity. I wasn't raised like this. After a short while, the black boys started in on me. I would be barked at in the hallways. The barking was a way of saying "you're ugly as a dog". I would be made fun of by total (black male) strangers. It seemed like the black boys LOVED to show off to one another. It got to the place where I wouldn't feel safe if there was more than one black boy in an area that I had to walk past. I remember one black boy pointing at me (this boy didn't know me at all) and saying to his friend who was standing next to him, "Hey man, there's your girlfriend!". Then, after his friend would look at me, his friend would say, "Sheeeeeit! I wouldn't take that ugly bitch to a dog show!" Then they'd both enjoy a good laugh at my expense. This was how my entire 7th grade year went. Things were slightly better in 8th grade but not a whole lot better. I was REALLY getting turned off by black American culture, I just didn't fit in. I'm not exactly sure when I lost my attraction for black boys but it was TOTALLY gone by the time I was 16. By 16, my romantic fantasies were all with white boys.
This is not to say that I think black men are ugly today. I don't think this at all. There are some very good-looking black men out there. I just don't have any physical attraction to black men, none at all.
First of all {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you
I know what it is like to be teased and made fun of because I was a fat kid till I reached 12-13 - Boy can I relate
Right after that I lost weight but the black kids still picked on me. A few white kids did but most all the black kids because I was studious and got good grades - so I was a nerd in their eyes. By highschool I was not teased any more (lost weight) and most of that went away but I know what you mean
In elementary school I was one of very few multiracial kids in a black school. By high school - actually middle school there was bussing and there was a mix of races but not in elementary. The teasing was worst in elementary -I used to attribute it all to being fat but also I think being studious and getting good grades and not getting into trouble was a lot of it - with the black kids. I got picked on a lot. I was always one of the smartest in the class when at the black elementary school - Not so after bussing. Sorry to say that but it is the truth. Call it the bell curve I don't know
One pt that you made I would like to speak to is that there DOES seem to be in black culture a propensity toward lack of tact and manners. I have noticed this too - and not just among children. Adults too. After bussing, most all of the trouble kids were black. And I grew up in a middle class suburb that was known for having many upwardly mobile blacks - it was not ghetto blacks. Children of doctors lawyers etc. But invariably the troublemakers were usually black kids. Not all blacks kids were trouble makers but most all the trouble makers were black kids.
Anyway, I have noticed what I consider to be a tendency toward what I would describe as cruel humor in the black culture. Look at midnight at the Apollo. It is like a cruel sort of humor. There are other programs like that but it doesn't seem to be as cruel - Not so much hooting and hollering etc. I don't know. What is it - this tendency to be that way?
Anyway back to the topic. In my early years my sister, at that time a BIM was really into black culture. They were much older than me - my siblings - and came through during the 60's and 70s with the black power thing. I was much younger. So I tried to imitate what they (mostly my sister) told me. I felt guilty that I didn't find black boys attractive. I didn't want to admit that. So I tried to force myself. But truth be told very few of them attracted me - This was true from very early on. My sister kept putting me down because I didn't find black guys attractive. I kept trying but almost none of them turned me on. And again I felt guilty - like there was something wrong with me - I was corny, a sellout etc. I didn't feel I could be with white guys - because of being put down like that - Amogn my friends too. Although some were interested in me. I think this is why I really didn't have many boyfriends in highschool and college - not much really connected because I was caught in this confusion.
As I got older all of the sudden it dawned on me that it was ok to be attracted to whomever I was attracted to. I am part Puerto Rican anyway. At that time my brother moved to PR and when he would come back to visit he taught me all the salsa dancing etc. And I really was attracted to PR and other Latin men, as well as Italian, Jewish, Greek and Middle Eastern. Mostly people who had that mixed look. At that pt I started dating whomever I found attractive - and things got much better. But I wasted so much time with boys/guys that I really did not like in jr high and part of high school because of that guilt and cultural confusion.
This was compounded by the fact that black culture - many aspects did not turn me on. The tendency toward studying less, etc. Many black guys were not really all that smart in school. Precious few were (sorry - true!) and so you had a very small pool to choose from. This was unfortunately the case with PR guys too - many were not education oriented - not in the U.S. But my brother told me that over there the more educated ones were much more numerous. Then I wanted to go to PR. But with PR guys at least I found them PHYSICALLY attractive. With black guys, #1 most of them I was not physically attracted to, and the few that were, #2 very few were studying/education oriented. They were too busy being cool guy etc. That left a pool of almost nothing. This was true in college too.
Things were easier dating white and middle eastern men - many more were education oriented etc. Also S Americans and Cubans - more tended to be educated than PR men.
Anyway thanks for your input. And I am so sorry for the hurtful things that were said to you. I know how that feels.
After years of daily psychological, and some physical, abuse from black people, I lost any interest in African American men myself. It got so bad that whenever I would see a black person, my initial thought would be, "now how is this person going to hurt me?"
At first, I thought it was "black people" I had a problem with. Now, after having lived in Europe and meeting afro caribbean people and folks from the African continent, I realize that the problem is black Americans with their internalized racism.
Some of the most gracious and polite and well-mannered people I have ever met were Senegalese.
Still, my preferences have been formed, and I just accept that I prefer men who are of some kind of Germanic descent or Jewish men. And I really, really like well-educated men.
Thanks for the support. I do feel a kindred spirit with other mulattas, or better said, mulatto-identified mulattos. I realize that even amongst AA men, there are some who are nice looking and intelligent but as you put it College, my preferences were formed by my experiences. I don't feel like this is a form of self-hatred.
I realize that even amongst AA men, there are some who are nice looking and intelligent but as you put it College, my preferences were formed by my experiences. I don't feel like this is a form of self-hatred.
You're right. It's not a form of self-hatred to be conditioned not to be attracted to people who have abused you. In fact, I'd consider that quite a normal human response.
Anyway, who on earth says we have to be attracted to, date, and marry black men? Only one-droppers -- that's about it.
At first, I thought it was "black people" I had a problem with. Now, after having lived in Europe and meeting afro caribbean people and folks from the African continent, I realize that the problem is black Americans with their internalized racism.
Hi gals
Isn't that the truth? I have noticed the SAME thing. At one job I had a black British woman working for me. She was not like that. The blacks in PR and Cuba - do not act that way. The blacks I have met from the Caribbean by and large are not that way. It is something with black Americans.You gals have made me think. Yes I really was subjected to a lot of abuse by black kids.
This has me thinking. Do you think that white kids at the hands of black kids would suffer/did suffer the same amt of abuse as we multiracials did at the hands of black kids? But it is just that white kids had a "group" to belong to and we didn't? Or do you think that black kids singled us out because of our mixedness and their envy? And didn't do this as much to white kids?
Hmmm - this is interesting - I'd be interested to hear you experiences.
Do you think that white kids at the hands of black kids would suffer/did suffer the same amt of abuse as we multiracials did at the hands of black kids? But it is just that white kids had a "group" to belong to and we didn't? Or do you think that black kids singled us out because of our mixedness and their envy? And didn't do this as much to white kids?
Liana,
I think bullies tend to pick on people when they think they can get away with it.
But, this has concerned me, too. I was riding the school bus one day when I saw one of my tormentors get on. She walked to a young white boy, and yelled, "move!" He slid over in the seat so she could sit down.
I remember feeling sorry for the boy and thinking, "well, this is how you create a racist." That kid is going to feel afraid of blacks forever, and probably hate them.
I've always been primarily attracted to white, but specifically European men. The "Nordic" type. Plus I've always had a thing for accents and learning about different cultures. But also biracia/"light-skinned" blackl/Latin (Orlando Bloom type) and occasionally East African (Ethiopian/Eritriean/Somali) guys.
I've always been attracted to tall men with prominent noses and square jaws too. Family orientation, a work ethic, and being a gentleman has always been on top of my list.
See, I HAD a list. A mental image. Many women don't. I knew what I would and would not accept in a man and had the ideal marriage/family life in the back of my head.
I did not date much and started dating VERY late. Not at all in high-school. A real late bloomer as they say.
Three years before my husband and I met I prayed about it. Asked God to send me a man with specific qualities. Someone he intended for me.
And I wouldn't settle for less.
I guess that's why I believe in prayer...
Oh, and none of my friends ever had any issue with my preferences. If they did, they wouldn't be friends for long.
I've never felt this social pressue to marry "one of my own" because I've always thought of myself (correctly) as an individual and not belonging to (hello slavery ended long ago) a designated "race".
My only responsibility was to uplift and make myself happy and not "the black race" or "my people".
Plus, despite the social conditioning we are all subjected to in regards to biological (instead of social) "race" I've always known there was just ONE human race so how could I really be committing the "crime" of "miscegenation" by "interracialy" dating, marrying, and giving birth to my beautiful son?
I don't know about ones spouse necessarily looking like the signficant men in your family/life but I DO know about them reminding you of them on a comfort/personality/spiritual level.
I always swore I'd marry a man who loved me as much as my father, brother, uncles, cousins and grandfathers love me. And I did.
Felicia
Last edited by zsana on Thu 16 Jun 2005 12:32; edited 1 time in total
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