Making the case for teaching our boys to … `bring me home a black girl'
Essence, Nov, 2002 by Audrey Edwards
The first time I saw my stepson, Ugo, make a move on a girl, he was about 7, and so was she--a dark-skinned little cutie standing at the juke-box in a Brooklyn family diner looking for a song to play. In a flash, Ugo was at her side, shy but bold at the same time. He pretended to be looking for a song, too, but he was mainly just looking at her, instantly in puppy love. "That's right," I said to him, fairly loudly and pointedly. "When it's time to get married, I want you to bring me home a girl just like that--a Black girl." The girl's parents, sitting at a table nearby, looked at me in surprise and then suddenly beamed. Ugo's father, sitting with me, just nodded and grinned.
"Bring me home a Black girl." It's one of those commandments Ugo has heard from me most of his life, right up there with "Don't do drugs," "Finish school" and "Use a condom." Over the years he has rolled his eyes, sighed in exasperation, muttered that I was racist or been mortified whenever I'd blurt out things like "Dark, light, shades in between--it don't matter to me as long as she's Black." But Ugo has also grown up to be very clear about what that edict really means: Don't even think about marrying a White girl.
I myself became clear about this--or clear about a mother's role in imparting to male children what's expected when it comes to marriage--when I interviewed the son of a Black magazine publisher ten years ago. The publisher had three sons and a Black wife who had made it clear to her boys that they were not to bring home any White girls. "We could have them as friends," the eldest son recalled, "but we were definitely not to marry them."
In all the grousing and hand wringing we do over brothers' marrying outside the race, it had never occurred to me that the issue might be addressed by something as simple and basic as child rearing. We tell our sons almost every day what we expect when it comes to their behavior, but we seldom, if ever, tell them what we expect when it comes to that most serious of decisions: choosing a partner. Oh, we may ask vague, cursory questions about the women they bring home: Can she cook? What work does she do? Who are her people? But rarely do we come right out and make the case for marrying Black. Truth be told, we're much more likely to make the case for marrying "light" or marrying someone with "good hair" so we can have "pretty grandbabies." Or we might argue, shouldn't people be allowed to marry whomever they want? Wasn't that one of the goals of integration?
If we were playing on an equal field, yes, we'd all be free to marry anyone. But the fact is, we're not. For Black women, one of the inequities on the current playing field has been the rate at which Black men are marrying outside the race. While most Black men still marry Black women, according to a joint survey by the U.S. Census Bureau and the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the number of Black men marrying White women has increased tenfold in the last 40 years, up from 25,000 in 1960 to 268,000 today. That's more than double the number of Black women who marry White men.
Where Black people are concerned, the increasing numbers of interracial unions could eventually lead to what sex therapist Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant, Ed.D., calls annihilation through integration, a weakening of the culture and economic resources of the Black community. So the question becomes, How do we ensure our cultural and economic survival as a people? One way is to start early and plainly telling our boys to marry Black girls. We need to put the emphasis on our boys because they are more likely than our girls to choose a White partner. Add to that the fact that men still take the lead when it comes to choosing a marriage partner, and it becomes obvious that molding our boys' attitudes is critical.
Of course, we may first have to get past what we think telling Black boys to marry Black means. "Somehow Black people are taught that to be ethnocentric is to be racist," says Grant. "But to want to be with people who share your values, religion and culture is very normal. It is not anti--anybody else."
Indeed, it seems almost anti-self to want to mate with someone from a culture that has historically denigrated, despised and oppressed you--and continues to do so. "People don't consciously say, `I don't value myself, so I'm going to seek an image outside my culture,' but the choices you make reflect what you believe," Grant explains. "This is why images are so important. Our children must see themselves positively reflected in the world, and if they don't, they start valuing the dominant culture. And when you worship the dominant culture and pay no attention to your own, you're not making choices for your highest good. You're confused."
As Maxwell C. Manning, an assistant professor of social work at Howard University, points out, "If you look at strong cultures, like the Jews, you'll find they have a high rate of marrying within their group. That's how they remain strong." Manning, who says he would be surprised if his own 21-year-old son "walked in the door with a White woman," notes that when as a young man he dated several White women, his parents were very upset. "That told me I should never think about marrying White," he recalls.
"I really wanted to be connected to my community," he continues. "Carrying the name and the culture is so important, and I think that would have been more difficult had I married a White woman." The expectations of Manning's parents no doubt influenced his choosing a Black woman when it came time to marry, just as his expectations for his son may well lead him to choose a Black woman as his wife.
How parents communicate to their children the importance of marrying within the group will vary, whether it's an in-your-face admonishment like the kind I've always given my stepson, or simply letting your child know, as Manning's parents did, that you're not pleased when he dates White girls. What's most important, says Manning, "is that we communicate to children what our values are. And one of the values should be to marry within the race to further our heritage and our culture."
But culture and heritage are only two factors in a complicated race equation. For me it's just as important that Ugo affirm the beauty and desirability of Black women by choosing to marry one. When he zeroed in on that little Black girl at the jukebox many years ago, he was displaying what I thought was natural--an instinctive attraction to someone who looked like him. But according to experts, by age 7, Black children have already been bombarded by media images that can negatively shape how they view themselves and the partners you'd think they would naturally be drawn to.
That's why it's so important that we constantly affirm our children, helping them to appreciate their own intelligence, beauty and strength. Whether it's in the artwork on your walls, the posters in your child's room or the books and magazines lying around the house, positive Black media images should be as integral a part of a Black child's life as the images coming in through television, videos and other media.
Fortunately for Ugo, his African grandmother and mother and his Afrocentric Black American father have all contributed to his being grounded in a strong Black identity. But that doesn't mean he hasn't also been shaped by seeing his two handsome Black male cousins have relationships and children with White women. So I try to be as relentless in countering the White-is-right images he's assaulted with as our society has been in perpetuating them.
Clearly, one of the most insistent images going is that White women are the most beautiful and therefore should be the most desired. If you buy into this notion, then Black women can never be fully prized--and this is the message we get every time a brother dates or marries a woman who is not Black. Maybe we shouldn't take such behavior personally, but it's damn hard not to. Black women are more likely than women of any other race to remain without a partner. So when Black men marry out of the race, it not only further diminishes the number of brothers available to Black women, but it also undermines our very confidence as desirable women. I don't want this to be a message Ugo ever sends out. He knows that if he wants to keep Mommy Audrey happy, he will bring me home a Black girl.
This is the message senior marketing executive Valerie Williams has also given her 15-year-old son. "I tell him I want to have grandchildren who look like me," says Williams, who is frank on racial matters. "I don't want to be sitting around the dinner table at Thanksgiving feeling I have to bite my tongue." Nor does Williams think it's possible to escape issues of race and White supremacy in interracial unions, no matter how great the love may be. "I don't care what anybody says," she argues, "there's not a White person in America who doesn't feel superior to a former slave. Why would I want my son to marry someone who will probably always subconsciously feel she's better than him just because she's White?"
We often forget that relationships are also built on economic foundations and that Black-earned money leaves the community whenever a Black man marries out of the race. This is what rankles whenever we see wealthy Black athletes, entertainers or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies choose to lay their riches at the feet of White women by marrying them. So I have no doubt what motivated the Black publisher's wife to insist all those years ago that her three sons never think about marrying out of the race. Her husband had spent half his life building a multimillion-dollar business, and she did not want the wealth he would leave to his sons to pass out of Black hands. The publisher's wife was very clear about that. And her sons all married beautiful Black women and gave her beautiful Black grandchildren who look like her and will keep the money where it should be--in the Black family. In the Black community.
Last spring, while touring with Ugo the predominantly White college he would attend in the fall, I felt a moment of panic. Too many of the White girls, it seemed, were grinning in his direction. He is 19 now, strapping, handsome and a magnet for women of other races who find Black men as irresistible as we do. "Ugo," I instinctively blurted out, clutching his arm. "Please. Bring me home--" "Don't worry," he interrupted, putting his arm around me with calm reassurance. "I will."
Audrey Edwards is an ESSENCE contributing writer.
COPYRIGHT 2002 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group
Posted: Wed 07 Dec 2005 20:12 Post subject: Re: 'bring me home a black girl'
A family I know was similar but opposite. The mother said don't bring home any dark skinned girls. She has 3 boys 1 girl. All of them light brown to yellow. The girl is married to a dark skinned man, the eldest son is married to a very dark woman, the 2nd is married to a light brown woman and the 3rd son is gay...and he seems to only date dark skinned men
go figure
Last edited by gemini072 on Thu 08 Dec 2005 15:40; edited 1 time in total
Posted: Thu 08 Dec 2005 15:15 Post subject: Re: 'bring me home a black girl'
gemini072 wrote:
A family I know was similar but opposite. The mother said don't bring home any dark skinned girls. She has 3 boys 1 girl. All of them light brown to yellow. The girl brought is married to a dark skinned man, the eldest son is married to a very dark woman, the 2nd is married to a light brown woman and the 3rd son is gay...and he seems to only date dark skinned men
go figure
Ha!!! I have a friend who is from a "bougie" elite family and they feel the same way, although it is never openly articulated.
Joined: 03 Jan 2006 {Posts: 9 } Location: West Coast
Posted: Mon 09 Jan 2006 19:00 Post subject: The 'other" question
Why do white women marry other races?
Why do they choose to do, whether true or not, what is considered by their own race/group as marrying 'down'? What is the benefit?
One can see, with the few sports stars, or media stars, that it might be marrying up for a few, but most women marry the regular average fellows, so what is the benefit?
Posted: Mon 09 Jan 2006 20:57 Post subject: Re: The 'other" question
Sharra wrote:
Why do white women marry other races?
Why do they choose to do, whether true or not, what is considered by their own race/group as marrying 'down'? What is the benefit?
One can see, with the few sports stars, or media stars, that it might be marrying up for a few, but most women marry the regular average fellows, so what is the benefit?
Mmmm....Why do white women marry other races? For a variery of reasons, love being one of several. What is the benefit? If her and her spouse's reasons are honorable, the chance of living a meaningful and happy life with the one you love.
Not all whites view marrying outside of their race as marrying down. To some whites, marrying people from stigmatized groups is marrying down. For example, it is the rare white person who would get upset if his/her child married an Asian person. On the other hand, it is, IMO, the rare white person who would not be concerned if his/her child (especially a daughter) married a black person.
Asians, particularly East Asians, are viewed by many whites as their equals, and in some instances their superiors. In contrast, Blacks and Hispanics, especially the former, are viewed as their inferiors.
Joined: 03 Jan 2006 {Posts: 9 } Location: West Coast
Posted: Wed 25 Jan 2006 04:11 Post subject: Re: The 'other" question
G-Man wrote:
Sharra wrote:
Why do white women marry other races?
Why do they choose to do, whether true or not, what is considered by their own race/group as marrying 'down'? What is the benefit?
One can see, with the few sports stars, or media stars, that it might be marrying up for a few, but most women marry the regular average fellows, so what is the benefit?
Mmmm....Why do white women marry other races? For a variety of reasons, love being one of several. What is the benefit? If her and her spouse's reasons are honorable, the chance of living a meaningful and happy life with the one you love.
Not all whites view marrying outside of their race as marrying down. To some whites, marrying people from stigmatized groups is marrying down. For example, it is the rare white person who would get upset if his/her child married an Asian person. On the other hand, it is, IMO, the rare white person who would not be concerned if his/her child (especially a daughter) married a black person.
Asians, particularly East Asians, are viewed by many whites as their equals, and in some instances their superiors. In contrast, Blacks and Hispanics, especially the former, are viewed as their inferiors.
MY case, was not marrying "down", ever, but I came out of a difficult life, and very young, naive soul that I was, couldn't see how other races could harbor any malcreants like those I had grown up around..... Well, I found out that no matter who, no matter what color, there are some real stinkers in all groups..... However, after the first marriage, and child, and considering how some of "my" people behave all too often, there was no way that I would have subjected my bi-racial child to the attitudes, so I just never again looked to my own........
Educationally, religiously similar, my spouses were as well or better educated than I, my issue was that I married into familiar discomfort......
The secret to a good marriage with anyone is to go into it emotionally healthy, as much as possible, and to have the same standard for and really know, as much as one can, the life partner...... The rest is more easy.
On the other hand, dysfunctional finds dysfunctional, and race and color are the very least of it, but will certainly add their own twists to an already rough situation......
Joined: 11 Mar 2007 {Posts: 10 } Location: Michigan
Posted: Fri 16 Mar 2007 02:27 Post subject: Re: 'bring me home a black girl'
gemini072 wrote:
A family I know was similar but opposite. The mother said don't bring home any dark skinned girls. She has 3 boys 1 girl. All of them light brown to yellow. The girl is married to a dark skinned man, the eldest son is married to a very dark woman, the 2nd is married to a light brown woman and the 3rd son is gay...and he seems to only date dark skinned men
go figure
**SMH @ THE AUTHOR OF THE ARTICLE** MOFO!! BUT UMM INTERESTIN GEMINI...LOL THATS JUST YEAH...
GEMINI!!!LOL!!! I read the thread 's title and before I could post, I read yours and you posted what I had wanted to say!!
I grew up in a culture where some people were prejudiced and only wanted their children to mary Creole. They preached that and preached that some of their kids did marry Creole, some White and others went and found themselves the Blackest person they could. Was it a little rebellion? Was it self-hatred? I know of some people, Creole, and it is like they could not accept their blond streaked hair, green-hazel-blue-grey eyes, staright hair or curly hair ( not course or nappy), and married the opposite. I have seen it in whole families where the children marry "outside" so to speak. On a personal note and my parents never preached that trash, I laugh because some of my counterparents would not have wanted me for their sons. I am what I am , but my hair is nappy and I am olive in complexion. I look more Black. Their sons did way worst than me.LOL!! As far my taste, I 've dated Black and White. I will marry White if I get married. I DO NOT date Creole men. I DO NOT like Creole men other than my daddy, uncles, brothers, etc. Is that saying about about upbringing or am I rebelling? I am just not attracted to Creole guys.
I`m kind of confuse what creole is,are they light skinned people with black ancestry? or are they people who are mixed because their grandparents before them,and ancestors keep on marrying mixed people? i read somewhere that they are native indian,black ,white which is almost the same thing i hear about african-black/americans that`s also why i`m confused.
Posted: Sun 20 May 2007 12:15 Post subject: Re: hi
cherri2 wrote:
I`m kind of confuse what creole is,are they light skinned people with black ancestry? or are they people who are mixed because their grandparents before them,and ancestors keep on marrying mixed people? i read somewhere that they are native indian,black ,white which is almost the same thing i hear about african-black/americans that`s also why i`m confused.
It is an ethnicity. The Gulf Coast (West Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana) was a French colony until the 1760s, then a Spanish colony until acquired by the United States in 1803. The people living there when the U.S. took over spoke French, had many Spanish customs, and were a mixture of all three populations (like the Caribbean). Since the imposition of the single Anglo-American color line about a century and a half ago, many Creole families have been forced to split into White and Black branches. The best introduction to the Creoles is Virginia R. Dominguez, White by Definition: Social Classification in Creole Louisiana (New Brunswick NJ: Rutgers University, 1986).
Posted: Mon 21 May 2007 06:51 Post subject: "Make sure you bring home a black girl"
Hi, I'm new to this forum. I look forward to talking with you all!
Here's the deal...my ex-boyfriend is somebody I had known since we were both about 12 years old. I met him while attending a junior high school where the majority of the students were either black or Latino/Hispanic. We dated throughout high school from the time we were 16 or 17. He happens to be African-American. He is dark brown and tall, about 6'0" with a heavy build. I, on the other hand, am not African-American. I'm multiracial/multicultural and will not be boxed in by anyone anymore. I'll elaborate on this further in future posts.
Anyhow, I mentioned him because there were definitely issues that I confronted in our relationship...esp. with his family and friends. Most of them had a problem with me somehow. I knew it was related to the fact that I was void of "blackness". I didn't look like them (or anyone related to them), I didn't sound like them, I came from a different cultural perspective because of my environment. I notice that black people often stare at me. I don't know what that's all about...oh, well.
Both of his parents are black people. Neither one is biracial or multi-mixed, really. His father is dark brown too, like him, with slightly wavy hair and very Negroid features. His mother is a tall thin woman who considers herself to be "light-skinned". She is in fact more of a deep brown and she too has obviously African features. She has straightened (relaxed) hair that is bleached an unnatural white-blonde. I would notice this resentment and hostility from her and the other older female members of his family, except his grandmothers and one aunt. His half-sisters were OK...I never had real problems with them. His mom and some of the others had insecurities about skin color. She would constantly make snide comments about how "pale" my skin was, my body type, my hair, etc. She literally asked him once, along with a very dark female friend of hers, if I was dead. I sort of interpreted that as an insult about my fair skin. Many hurtful comments were made both in and out of my presence. I would sit there thoroughly pissed off by the rudeness. One of his aunts was extremely unpleasant to my mother once. They all had this way of looking other people over, esp. if it was a white woman or a pretty bi/multiracial woman. Oh, and there were the comments like: "Couldn't you meet somebody who doesn't look like that?" In other words, don't have anything to do with her because she isn't one of "us".
In high school I had some of the worst experiences with black and Hispanic females calling me slurs or wanting to fight because they hated to see this white-looking girl with a black guy. I wondered sometimes if they were making fun of my clothes (I had my own style back then), but I knew the real reason. If I had looked black or even mixed, if I had spoken slang or identified as AA, I'm sure people would not have been so bothered by my relationship with him or his with me. This is the reason that if my sons ever choose to date or marry, I will not impose that stupidity on them. They will be free to date a woman of any color/race/faith as long as she is a good person. Full stop.
Posted: Mon 21 May 2007 21:19 Post subject: Re: hi
fwsweet wrote:
cherri2 wrote:
I`m kind of confuse what creole is,are they light skinned people with black ancestry? or are they people who are mixed because their grandparents before them,and ancestors keep on marrying mixed people? i read somewhere that they are native indian,black ,white which is almost the same thing i hear about african-black/americans that`s also why i`m confused.
It is an ethnicity. The Gulf Coast (West Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana) was a French colony until the 1760s, then a Spanish colony until acquired by the United States in 1803. The people living there when the U.S. took over spoke French, had many Spanish customs, and were a mixture of all three populations (like the Caribbean). Since the imposition of the single Anglo-American color line about a century and a half ago, many Creole families have been forced to split into White and Black branches. The best introduction to the Creoles is Virginia R. Dominguez, White by Definition: Social Classification in Creole Louisiana (New Brunswick NJ: Rutgers University, 1986).
-------------
thanks i understand now ,its sad that they had to spilt into white and black branches is it still like that now?
Joined: 19 Jan 2006 {Posts: 237 } Location: Southern California
Posted: Mon 21 May 2007 23:02 Post subject: Re: "Make sure you bring home a black girl"
pianoplayer111 wrote:
Hi, I'm new to this forum. I look forward to talking with you all!
Here's the deal...my ex-boyfriend is somebody I had known since we were both about 12 years old. ...
{snippet deleted}...
Both of his parents are black people. Neither one is biracial or multi-mixed, really. His father is dark brown too, like him, with slightly wavy hair and very Negroid features. His mother is a tall thin woman who considers herself to be "light-skinned". She is in fact more of a deep brown and she too has obviously African features. She has straightened (relaxed) hair that is bleached an unnatural white-blonde. I would notice this resentment and hostility from her and the other older female members of his family, except his grandmothers and one aunt. His half-sisters were OK...I never had real problems with them. His mom and some of the others had insecurities about skin color. She would constantly make snide comments about how "pale" my skin was, my body type, my hair, etc. She literally asked him once, along with a very dark female friend of hers, if I was dead. I sort of interpreted that as an insult about my fair skin. Many hurtful comments were made both in and out of my presence. I would sit there thoroughly pissed off by the rudeness. One of his aunts was extremely unpleasant to my mother once. They all had this way of looking other people over, esp. if it was a white woman or a pretty bi/multiracial woman. Oh, and there were the comments like: "Couldn't you meet somebody who doesn't look like that?" In other words, don't have anything to do with her because she isn't one of "us".
What is it with people sometimes?! At the time when all of this was occurring, was your ex-boyfriend still a minor and/or living under their roof? If so, and they were still paying the bills, then this poor soul would have to "tough it out" untill he was able to move out. Rightly or wrongly, in situations such as this, "he who pays the piper calls the tune"
If he was already out of the house when all of this stuff was going on, I would say that some of his family members definitely are "enmeshed" to an unhealthy degree in his life. Geez...do these folks have any type of hobby or other outside interest (besides constant snide remarks to/about boyfriend's love interest?) It appears though they have waaaay too much time on their hands to say the least!
Posted: Tue 22 May 2007 20:14 Post subject: Re: "bring home a black girl"
Hi, there!
Hmm...he lived with his folks up until a week ago and he's now 23. He and his younger half-sister share an apartment, along with her two little boys.
In response to what you said, you're sooo on the money! He is very close to his family...to the extent of telling them all the details of our relationship/sex life. It bothered me. While I would never try to interfere with my partner's family (I respect men who are family-oriented), it would bother me when his family and friends would make offensive comments or be openly rude. Most of them were women, too. He wouldn't say anything, either. I still care about him but he isn't relationship material anymore.
I didn't have anything in common with his family. They had way too many issues with race, color, social status...and they were hung up on my physical appearance/personal identity. His mother could be a model. She's 56 years old, very attractive, about 5'8" and painfully thin. She is anorexic, I believe, which is uncommon but not unheard of in Black women. She is a very insecure person and tries to hide it by being snooty, vain, and unpleasant.
Posted: Fri 25 May 2007 02:28 Post subject: Re: hi
cherri2 wrote:
I`m kind of confuse what creole is,are they light skinned people with black ancestry? or are they people who are mixed because their grandparents before them,and ancestors keep on marrying mixed people? i read somewhere that they are native indian,black ,white which is almost the same thing i hear about african-black/americans that`s also why i`m confused.
Creole American people of the U.S.A are people of African, French, Native American, and Spainsh ancestory. I have read of N.O. Creole people roginally of French and English ancestory. I could never understand that , but in the early 1800's, it may have been so. The way Creole people have described is having AA, F, NA, and S ancestors. Some people may have only as little as 1/10 or less of ancestory AF, but it is in there somewhere. Creole people are an ethnic group. They have their own language, foods, customs, religion is Catholic, traditions, historic neighborhoods, historic schools, etc. IMHO, Creole people are dying group of people. Many people have passed by choice on the other side , WHITE, and many have also gone Back to Black. Cajun poeple have are still verystrong in their culture.
Creole people can range in many shades, features,and hair types. Some people do separate themselves too. That is why I have such strong negative opinions about so-called and self-called Bi-racial people which I see as a new group from an old group trying to separate and segregate themselves.
Posted: Sun 10 Jun 2007 17:49 Post subject: Creoles
Creole GAL:
Quote:
Creole people can range in many shades, features,and hair types. Some people do separate themselves too. That is why I have such strong negative opinions about so-called and self-called Bi-racial people which I see as a new group from an old group trying to separate and segregate themselves.
Why in the world are you blaming self-identified biracial people for the near-demise of the Creole ethnic group? A combination of racist laws and black power have always been the greatest enemies of the Creoles.
Cajuns are thriving because they are not divided by race and caste, unlike the Creoles. However, I am sure the Cajuns are not nearly as "black blood free" as they like to pretend.
Recommended:
The Cajuns: From Acadia to Louisiana (Hardcover)
by William Faulkner Rushton
Rushton is one of the few authors to address the issue of Creole infiltration into the Cajun group.
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BUT UMM INTERESTIN GEMINI...LOL THATS JUST YEAH...
,its sad that they had to spilt into white and black branches is it still like that now?
At the time when all of this was occurring, was your ex-boyfriend still a minor and/or living under their roof? If so, and they were still paying the bills, then this poor soul would have to "tough it out" untill he was able to move out. Rightly or wrongly, in situations such as this, "he who pays the piper calls the tune"