On July 4th, we went to Philly for the parade and fireworks and to watch the performance of Lionel Richie and Fantasia on the Parkway there. Fabulous, hi-energy performance by Fantasia! Hmph!
Anyway, I counted the number of IR couples as I sometimes do at gatherings. I counted 14 couples. 11 were black men with white or white-skinned females and 3 were black women with white or other men. As usual, I also noted the number of unattached women there of all races and cultures and black women easily won that distinction, as usual. Many black women were with other black women-whether girlfriends, s-o, or family members, I don't know. There were hordes of curvy, very attractive Black women there--overwhelmingly alone.
As it got later in the evening, those women with their husbands or boyfriends began to cozy up and get close to each other. I can just imagine how some of those unattached sistas felt. Girlfriends are fun to hoot and holler with, but are absolutely worth zilch for the cozying up with.
I notice this a lot, no matter what social outing--Black women with each other--or alone. Yes, it's the Black community's condemnation of bw-non-black man relationships that's keeping many of those women partner-less.
It's obvious to me that many in our community are very confused about a lot of things and are stagnated. Stagnated actions come from stagnant thinking. In any population of people under siege, there will be those who will break loose and blaze a trail. These people are usually stronger, more courageous, more adventurous, risk-takers. In nature, when certain environmental conditions are harmful to any group of animals, some of those animals will survive, but many will not. In order to survive, those survivor animals have got to go against the grain. In science, this is a form of natural selection. In other words, nature will reward those animals or plants that are equipped (by whatever means) to survive a hostile or un-nourishing or undernourishing environment. Out of all the millions of plants and animals that have existed since the beginning of time, the ones we see today are the survivors and the offspring of the survivors. They survived because they went against the grain at some point.
In the current mating war--yes, it's a war--that Black women find themselves in where we are competing for men with ALL other women in the global village that the world has become, those Black women who go against the current grain are the ones who are most likely to successfully mate with males who will help her to produce the strongest and best equipped offspring for the future. It is the imperative of all living things to reproduce and as Black women living in a hostile world, we should choose the best available male candidate (regardless of complexion, race, culture)to reproduce with--a male who will help us to protect and raise strong, well-equipped babies for the future--because we can't live in the past and only for a moment in the present. To me, it doesn't matter what complexion my babies and future progeny are because I know I will always be in their DNA--forever, even if they don't have my complexion. My complexion is just one teeny-tiny aspect of me.
The thread on the page that I've provided a link to has an interesting discussion where this issue was raised. A point was raised that the reason why AA women aren't in many relationships with non AA men is because these men don't want AA women and not because of AA women's loyalty to AA men. The women posting in the thread refuted this claim but the black men posting in the thread who held the previous position struck a chord with me and I wonder if there might not be some hurtful bit of truth in it due to cultural conditioning of these non AA men. In any case, these types of accounts are saddening.
There is definitely truth to that, but to me it is that any "non-White" mate is considered less suitable the WASPier the family gets (in the US). I don't think the Buffy and Steve Lodge-Cabot-Carnegie would be happy to see their son bring home an East Asian woman or a Jewish woman either. And we all know how racist some people are when it comes to people of African descent.
I do believe that, by and large, the world has been acculturated to regard sub-Saharan African phenotypes as less beautiful than others. To be honest, I have personally never been the recipient of a colorist comment from a man other than a Black American man. Not an African, Arab, White American, Chinese or Indian has every remarked unfavorably about my skin color, or complimented me "despite" my skin color. But countless Black American men have commented negatively on my skin color, or given me a pass as being "very pretty far a darkskinned girl." My own aunt told me the other day that I should wear my hair straight to "catch a man's attention" because "men only like long hair." I didn't have the heart to tell her that the most wonderful compliment I ever received on my curly 'do came from a White man.
So what I am left with, based on my own experience, even knowing how deep the anti-African acculturation goes, is that non-Black men are no less likely to find a Black woman attractive, but it seems true that they may be less likely to marry Black women.
I'm of the opinion that you should have told your aunt that the most wonderful compliment you ever received on your gorgeous hair was from a white man. Why not? It's the truth. Real men don't have these narrow definitions of what is beautiful/attractive. I think your hairstyle is SO cute and you shouldn't do a THING to change it. Too many black people - and especially black women - mistakingly believe that ALL men have the same Eurocentric definitions of attractiveness that many (not all but probably the majority) black American males have. It's simply not true. And to be honest, I think a good number of black women don't even want to consider that fact because it would ultimately hurt them in the end. Make them look like damn fools.
You see, some black women are needlessly trying to force themselves into a foreign mold to try to please black men when the truth is they need to represent their beauty in it's natural state, thus attracting men who love them AS THEY ARE. Which is the definition of true love. Being your authentic self with your partner and being loved for it. If black American women woke up one day and realized this fact they would also have to accept that they've waisted precious time and sometimes years of their lives needlessly. They were fine without the skin-bleaching (many African women unfortunately practice this), hair dye, colored contacts, extravagant weaves, etc... ALL ALONG.
I'm in NO way saying all black women fall into these scenarios but apparently a certain percentage do because I keep reading about them on the Internet in numerous black oriented message boards.
All I know is I hope those who fall into this category wake the hell up and start learning a few lessons from the growing number of white, asian, and hispanic sisters who are definitely looking for the right man for them regardless of color. And if they don't, PLEASE keep their patheticness on the down-low. Their low self-esteem (and that's just what it is when one constantly pines away for someone (or some idea) when it's not reciprocal) reflects badly on those black women who are NOT in that circumstance and who have a different reality.
Very well said Zsana! (I always love reading your posts anyway ) There are so many pretty black women whose natural beauty is second to none. I realize that cultural influences paint black sisters in a negative way but I wonder how much this negativity is exacerbated by low self esteem. I have a 2nd cousin who has thick black textured hair. I've observed how my aunt, her grandmother, complains "How did she get hair like this?!" I've made the effort to tell my young cousin that her hair is beautiful and she's beautiful. I've gently told my aunt that I think that my cousin's hair is beautiful and that I don't understand why she doesn't think so as well. I suppose it made her think because she backed off a little.
I believe that the day is coming when our black sister will wake up en mass and feel beautiful with their natural beauty. Ironically, it'll probably be white men who will help black men to realize the beauty of black women!
I'm of the opinion that you should have told your aunt that the most wonderful compliment you ever received on your gorgeous hair was from a white man. Why not? It's the truth. Real men don't have these narrow definitions of what is beautiful/attractive. I think your hairstyle is SO cute and you shouldn't do a THING to change it. Too many black people - and especially black women - mistakingly believe that ALL men have the same Eurocentric definitions of attractiveness that many (not all but probably the majority) black American males have. It's simply not true. And to be honest, I think a good number of black women don't even want to consider that fact because it would ultimately hurt them in the end. Make them look like damn fools.
You see, some black women are needlessly trying to force themselves into a foreign mold to try to please black men when the truth is they need to represent their beauty in it's natural state, thus attracting men who love them AS THEY ARE. Which is the definition of true love. Being your authentic self with your partner and being loved for it. If black American women woke up one day and realized this fact they would also have to accept that they've waisted precious time and sometimes years of their lives needlessly. They were fine without the skin-bleaching (many African women unfortunately practice this), hair dye, colored contacts, extravagant weaves, etc... ALL ALONG.
I'm in NO way saying all black women fall into these scenarios but apparently a certain percentage do because I keep reading about them on the Internet in numerous black oriented message boards.
All I know is I hope those who fall into this category wake the hell up and start learning a few lessons from the growing number of white, asian, and hispanic sisters who are definitely looking for the right man for them regardless of color. And if they don't, PLEASE keep their patheticness on the down-low. Their low self-esteem (and that's just what it is when one constantly pines away for someone (or some idea) when it's not reciprocal) reflects badly on those black women who are NOT in that circumstance and who have a different reality.
Amen and thank you!!! I always enjoy reading your posts too, Zsana. To give you some more context, my aunt is a woman who holds very strong and often wrong beliefs about many things. One that really irks me is not the hair thing, but that she seems to believe, like many women her age (60s), that women "need a man" in order to be validated and worthy. I am single so she "worries about me." Although she seems to understand that I am perfectly happy with my status, she projects her feelings onto me indirectly with various comments. I don't take it personally and choose my battles wisely when I talk to her.
My aunt has had a problem with me "going natural" since I did it about 12 years ago (BEST decision ever), so we've had many conversations over the years in which I remind her that IT'S MY DAMNED HAIR. She's also a hair stylist and a firm believer in having long hair no matter whether it's naturally or financially procured. I have never seen her natural hair - no one has since she was a little girl except her daughter, who is also a stylist. I always hated my relaxed hair because I am a "wash and wear" kind of girl, but my aunt always loved it because it was very long. Over the years her various comments about my "crinkles" have fallen on deaf ears. She's even tried to convince me that my hair would be healthier if I straightened it...knowing FULL WELL as a stylist that that is false!!
Ironically, in the same conversation, I told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't limiting my dating options by race or ethnicity, and she wholeheartedly agreed. I didn't say anything about my compliment at that point because I was so annoyed at having to provide justification at all that men (*gasp*) might actually like a woman in her natural state. I Now this is funny: I did say that I received lots of compliments when my hair is curly. My aunt said: "Yeah I'd bet they were all from women." You just can't make this stuff up.
Black women have to find the courage to be themselves and be proud of their hair, skin, and features as they are. You said this, and I agree: A big part of the problem is that they are limiting themselves to attracting Black men, who often want a Black woman to get a close to the White ideal as possible.
I greatly enjoy reading your posts as well! Very honest, and well thought out. Always.
I tell you it's wonderful having this women only forum where we can be so frank without having to justify our opinions to the guys. It's truly healing and liberating.
Hope you two (and everyone at this group) have had a wonderful weekend!
Joined: 03 Jun 2005 {Posts: 270 } Location: California
Posted: Thu 09 Nov 2006 06:12 Post subject:
Just my personal experience....I've never spent much time around Black men outside my family (long story).
My ex-fiance was caucasian. I used to straighten my hair. I decided that I wanted to wear my hair in its natural state. He was against it from the start and was very negative about my hair. He said it would look 'too ethnic'.
It occurred to me that he was with me because, with my straight hair, I looked "white", and he was not interested in dating a "Black" woman. It was very subtle, but the clues added up.
I found that issue when I was dating. White men would comment about my naturally coily hair, saying it didn't look right on me. They would always ask what i looked like with straight hair.
But, then again, when I had dated with my hair straightened (before the ex), I found that most of the white guys I dated seemed to drop off once they found out my heritage.
Maybe it was a Southern California thing, but there are still a lot of racial hang-ups on all sides.
White men would comment about my naturally coily hair, saying it didn't look right on me.
Considering the fact that there are white women with naturally coily and/or kinky hair, I wonder if they get the same comments or if they're asked to straighten their hair.
Minnie Driver comes to mind.
I've always been intrigued by the kinky blond hair of Mary Pope Osborne. She's the author of the Magic Tree House series (children's books)
'
FAQ
Search
Register
Log in
) There are so many pretty black women whose natural beauty is second to none. I realize that cultural influences paint black sisters in a negative way but I wonder how much this negativity is exacerbated by low self esteem. I have a 2nd cousin who has thick black textured hair. I've observed how my aunt, her grandmother, complains "How did she get hair like this?!" I've made the effort to tell my young cousin that her hair is beautiful and she's beautiful. I've gently told my aunt that I think that my cousin's hair is beautiful and that I don't understand why she doesn't think so as well. I suppose it made her think because she backed off a little.
She's also a hair stylist and a firm believer in having long hair no matter whether it's naturally or financially procured. 
I have never seen her natural hair - no one has since she was a little girl except her daughter, who is also a stylist. I always hated my relaxed hair because I am a "wash and wear" kind of girl, but my aunt always loved it because it was very long. Over the years her various comments about my "crinkles" have fallen on deaf ears. She's even tried to convince me that my hair would be healthier if I straightened it...knowing FULL WELL as a stylist that that is false!!
