Posted: Fri 18 Mar 2005 19:54 Post subject: The Multiracial Experience
After reading the posts in the transracial adoption thread, I wanted to share more about hair experiences but didn't want to post them off topic. I also wanted to start a thread where multiracial women could share their experiences as multiracial women. Were you favored because you're lighter or more Caucasian? Were you ostracized because you're lighter or more Caucasian? For those of us with cross textured hair, what are your experiences regarding your hair type? Liana, you said some very interesting things that I wanted to comment on. Thanks Liana for inspiring this idea.
Liana wrote:
I can totally relate to the hair combing thing. And I have heard "black" moms say those things to their daughters while combing their hair.
It reminds me of times when I have gone to black salons. (Which I have not for 20 years now. I don't like the way they do my hair.) I've been going to a German woman for 15 years now and I won't see anyoen else. I LOVE the way she does my hair. Americans period - white or black - dont' seem to know what to do with biracial hair. Cross-texture hair has many specific properties that are unique - but in the U.S. the idea is that it falls under the category fo "black" hair which it/mine does not. I cannot use grease and pomades because my hair is fine and will flatten out. It goes on and on. Hair perms - they work better on nappy hair than on wavy hair because my hair will still wave up even if I perm it. It could go on and on.
Anyway -when I was a younger girl my aunt and mom took me to a black salon. What I hate is the staring atmosphere. The "blacks" sit there and stare at your hair - and then they start with the "You got some good hair" etc. I felt like you - I wanted to be anywhere but there - I did not feel complimented or comfortable because I felt like a spectacle. And esp. when I was younger - as a kid you just want to fit in.
It is really hard - no one understands our pain because we are presumed to have the upper hand. Later in life I guess in many instances we do but it does not stop incidents like these from hurting us - esp. as children.
B
I occasionally go to a black hair salon. I can totally relate to what you're talking about with the staring. It happens everytime I go there. I usually do like what this stylist is able to do with my hair but I am a bit uncomfortable while I'm in the salon. I once brought my daughter there to get her hair done. My daughter's hair type is Caucasian but this stylist said that she could do Caucasian hair. It amuses me how when blacks see a biracial person with Caucasian hair, it seems like they don't want to admit that the biracial person's hair type is Caucasian and they strain to find any similarity that that biracial person's hair has with black (African)hair. Hence, I've had black beauticians pontificate the necessity of putting oil in my daughter's hair. Even light oils weigh her hair down and give her the flat head look which isn't very flattering. My son also has Caucasian hair. I once took him to a friend (black) who told me that she could cut his hair. This friend has a cosmetology license and does a pretty good job with black hair. I brought my son to her for a cheap hair cut since Cartoon Cuts wants $12 to $14 bucks for a hair cut. I only wanted a trim but she took out her clippers and cut so much that I ended up having to settle for a buzz cut. This is usually fine for black males with Negroid hair but this isn't what my son is. I asked her if she knew how to do a scissor cut and she admitted that she didn't after it was too late. There seems to be an assumption that Caucasian hair is easier to do since it's softer and easier to comb but we found out the hard way that this isn't true. Well, when it came time for his next hair cut, I decided to take him to Cartoon Cuts. The best hair cuts that he's gotten have been from Asian women. There really are differences between blacks and multiracials in a lot of regards.
That is an interesting story. I think someone should do an article or something on how multiracial hair is different, and how this "subsuming multiracials under blacks" issue has also crept into the whole hair industry.
There is a site called www.naturallycurly.com which does include quite a few interesting articles about biracial hair.
My sister and brother too have caucasian hair and my sister was taken to a black salon once where they tried to put pomades on her hair. That greasy stuff doesn't work on her hair. Mine either. though her hair is Caucasian hair it is a bit - with more body - it is not Peggy Lipton type straight but it is clearly Caucasian hair, and yes, it seems blacks strain to see the "black" in people.
Also I have a Mexican friend who has curlyish hair and when she has gone to black salons they tried to use the hot comb - it didn't work well on her hair. All her hair needs if she wants to wear it straight is to be blow dried - mine too. Black salons don't seem to understand that.
You want to know something funny? I had no idea that Peggy Lipton had been married to a black person/Quincy Jones - when I made the comment above. I just remembered Peggy Lipton's very straght flat hair - lol
And now I learned somethinf new thanks to your article
It was a great article and some new info I did not know
Posted: Tue 22 Mar 2005 01:43 Post subject: Multiracial Experiences
I remember one time when I was around eight years old, I had a friend over and we were upstairs in my room talking about whatever eight year old girls talk about. I don't remember how the topic of color came up but I remember telling my friend that some other child was darker than either of us and that made us better than her. My (mulatto) mother overheard this and called me into her room with this serious, unmistakable consternation in her voice! I thought that I was in so much trouble! When I got to my parents' room, my mother was more curious than angry about my statement. She wanted to know why I thought that darker people were not as good. She reminded me that my father was a darker complexion than me and she asked me if I thought that I was better than him? Well, of course I didn't think that! I realized that I was wrong to say what I was saying about darker people. I also realized that my mother was an eavesdropper! But, I digress. She told me that I was to never say this again. It turned out that I wasn't in the BIG trouble that I thought I'd get in. I was even allowed to go back and play with my friend! Later that evening, I heard my parents talking about the incident (RATS! I KNEW she was going to tell him! ). They pondered with extreme interest about where I'd acquired this attitude. They considered various theories between themselves. Guess my mother's not the only eavesdropper in my family. The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. This notion of lighter is better is so pervasive that I cannot to this day attribute my misconception to one specific encounter. It's like trying to pinpoint where the softened butter is in a homogeneous pancake batter. Although, in every batch of pancake batter, there may be some small chunks of butter that weren't completely blended in and you can see these. I remember being praised for my long hair, green eyes, and pretty tan color. These compliments were sometimes given to me by the parents of darker children in their children's presence. I noticed that the darker girls with the shorter hair didn't get the same praise. See the chunks? Obviously, experiences like these were a contribution to my misconceptions.
That is interesting - and I like the batter analogy
When I was a kid I truly did not notice people's colors - until one day my mom pointed out to me that sometimes "blacks" who were darker felt that "lighter" blacks think they're better - then my mind was opened up and all of a sudden I saw differences. (One of my friend's moms did not like me and I told my mom about it and she stated that it was probably because I was so light.)
Anyway - a friend of mine's daughter did the same thing you did. My friend never ever taught her daughter any type of race or color prejudice - but when her child was 4 years old she stated that a dark doll was ugly - because it was so dark. My friend was shocked because no one had ever taught her that and she could not figure out where she had gotten that from. Her only guess was that she (the daughter) had not been around very dark people and that perhaps that was why
Posted: Sat 18 Mar 2006 04:04 Post subject: I remember
I remember that until I was 9 years-old I did not fully perceive race and/or differences in ethnicity as relevant. The defining moment happened when I went for one of my daily visits with my best friend, a White girl who lived across the way from me. She and I had been close friends for about two years. I knocked on her door, and she opened it and I noticed she had an odd expression. She motioned for me to stay outside. I asked why. "Because," she whispered fiercely,"My Aunt is visiting us from out of town and she doesn't like Black people." I think I literally stood there with my mouth open, stunned, then said,"But I'm not just Black. I'm also White. And I'm a nice person. I'm your BEST FRIEND." The rest is a blur, but I can recall having the door closed in my face and walking home in tears and confusion. Looking back, I could kick myself for feeling I had to "defend" or "explain" who I was and make my friend believe I was "worthy" of being in the same house with her ignorant, bigoted bitch of an Aunt. Now I know better. I never trusted my friend again. And from then on, she was never able to look me in the eye again. But she never apologized. And I never forgot.
Posted: Sat 18 Mar 2006 20:51 Post subject: Re: I remember
sweetsister wrote:
I remember that until I was 9 years-old I did not fully perceive race and/or differences in ethnicity as relevant. The defining moment happened when I went for one of my daily visits with my best friend, a White girl who lived across the way from me. She and I had been close friends for about two years. I knocked on her door, and she opened it and I noticed she had an odd expression. She motioned for me to stay outside. I asked why. "Because," she whispered fiercely,"My Aunt is visiting us from out of town and she doesn't like Black people." I think I literally stood there with my mouth open, stunned, then said,"But I'm not just Black. I'm also White. And I'm a nice person. I'm your BEST FRIEND." The rest is a blur, but I can recall having the door closed in my face and walking home in tears and confusion. Looking back, I could kick myself for feeling I had to "defend" or "explain" who I was and make my friend believe I was "worthy" of being in the same house with her ignorant, bigoted bitch of an Aunt. Now I know better. I never trusted my friend again. And from then on, she was never able to look me in the eye again. But she never apologized. And I never forgot.
WOW what a story! Did your mother ever confront this family? It sounds like this little girl wasn't much of a friend after all. Some people are so clueless!
No, my Mother never confronted this family. In fact, she maintained a friendship with them for years (even after I left for college), and all I remember her saying about the "incident" was, "You have to learn that everyone has different opinions about Black people. That's just the way the world is."
Well Sweetsister, I'm sorry to hear all of this. It sounds like your relationship with your mother may be a bit strained. Forgive me if it seems like I'm intruding but, no one in this world is perfect. I also had a mother that I didn't feel like I could relate to in areas where I needed her support. These weren't all racial issues but there's this empty feeling just the same. In any case, I know that my mother loves me and I can only imagine that yours does as well. I'm sorry that your mother didn't know how to meet your needs at that special time.
No, you are not intruding. You are validating my experience and blessing me by sharing your personal story. My Mother and I are on good terms now, but most of the pain she inflicted on me was never resolved directly(she frequently beat me, under the guise that "Black children need to be kept in line."). At 18 I reconnected with my Father (and several half-siblings and extended family). My Mother found this very threatening and "punished" me with guilt-trips and horrid racist comments for years (she claimed I was "betraying my "White side" by knowing and loving my Father). You probably know what I'm about to say---I discovered I would have to make my OWN way through it all. Friends, some family, a little therapy, research, meditation, education, Buddhism and my wonderful husband helped shelter me through the storms. I have forgiven my Mother. She is a very angry, paranoid, guilt-ridden (but also accomplished, funny, and gifted)woman whom I love with all my heart-----because in the end, love overcomes all obstacles, right? Thank you, "mixedmom", for being my "mirror" today. Peace.
No, you are not intruding. You are validating my experience and blessing me by sharing your personal story. My Mother and I are on good terms now, but most of the pain she inflicted on me was never resolved directly(she frequently beat me, under the guise that "Black children need to be kept in line."). At 18 I reconnected with my Father (and several half-siblings and extended family). My Mother found this very threatening and "punished" me with guilt-trips and horrid racist comments for years (she claimed I was "betraying my "White side" by knowing and loving my Father). You probably know what I'm about to say---I discovered I would have to make my OWN way through it all. Friends, some family, a little therapy, research, meditation, education, Buddhism and my wonderful husband helped shelter me through the storms. I have forgiven my Mother. She is a very angry, paranoid, guilt-ridden (but also accomplished, funny, and gifted)woman whom I love with all my heart-----because in the end, love overcomes all obstacles, right? Thank you, "mixedmom", for being my "mirror" today. Peace.
((((HUGS to Sweetsister))))
Sounds like you've reached a good place. Good for you! I read your post last night and I wanted to respond to this part in particular:
sweetsister wrote:
but most of the pain she inflicted on me was never resolved directly(she frequently beat me, under the guise that "Black children need to be kept in line.").
My response probably deserves it own thread but I'll start out here. Many, many, many times I've heard it said from a collective African-American perspective that white people don't discipline their children. These are the observations that are made while out in public. White parents, mothers in particular, are criticized for not spanking their children and allowing their children to "talk back" to them. White mothers are criticized for psycho-babbling to their children, "Now Johnny, your behavior is making mommy very, very sad!" (this being said in response to the child asking for something in the store and the mother denying the child's request, then the child screams "I HATE YOU!" to his mother in public). I've heard black women laughing at these white women and criticizing them for what appears to be a lapse in their parental control over their child's behavior. Let's face it, Johnny has shown great disrespect to his mother right? This "proves" that white children are spoiled and undisciplined or so say the critics. Is it possible that your mother may have been cognizant of this attitude among (some) African Americans and was over compensating for it? Your statement intrigued me and I tend to analyze stuff like this. I wonder where she'd get this idea that black children were different from white children in this regard.
Thanks for caring enough to ask---yes, I absolutely believe that PART of my Mother's reason for beating me had to do with her paranoia that she would be "judged" by Black people for being too lenient with her child. But the primary motivating factor was that she came from an abusive home, and she carried on the cycle of physical abuse with me. And regardless of the ethnicity of any child, I do not believe corporal punishment is EVER acceptable. I've seen many of my peers(of ALL "colors")raise their children successfully without EVER hitting them. Anyway, thanks for all the communication and compassion. It is much appreciated. Peace.
Posted: Thu 31 May 2007 15:44 Post subject: The Multiracial Experience
*claps for sweetsister* Cheers to you!
My experience as a multiracial woman has been so painful and so rewarding all at once. There is truth in the comment that many blacks "strain" to see the black in people. I look like a white woman but they'll cite my hourglass figure or long, puffy hair as evidence of "blackness". I find that in some of the most inappropriate instances, I'll catch a black person staring at me very intensely. Some of the more uncouth people will be like, "Is you mixed or Spanish or somethin'?" It is annoying and downright obnoxious but I simply smile.
I knew in my town that there was no one quite like me. I knew this early in life. I was different in every way possible. My looks, my style, the music I listened to, the way I spoke, the way I walked. Men of all races have been drawn to me. Like many of you other ladies here, I find that I'm more attracted to white men. However, most of the men who hit on me are either black or Latino. I've never been attracted to Hispanic men. Not that they aren't wonderful, but the attraction has never been there, whether physical or otherwise.
I liked black boys as a kid but was too "white" in their eyes. I was raped at 12 years old by an 18-year-old Black guy who had dated my cousin. I went on to have a relationship with an African-American guy when I was in high school. I loved him but it went downhill after 6 years. He became very emotionally abusive, constantly belittling me and never showing support. He pretty much thought I was a slut...a common stereotype about multiracial women. When I went through a very painful experience back in 2004, he turned his back on me. His mom and one of his aunts definitely didn't like me. I'm so thankful I don't have to deal with their close-minded attitudes anymore. My stepfather is black and unfortunately, we have never had a good relationship. He never contributed anything positive to my life all those years I lived under his roof. He has been emotionally abusive to my mother as well, and I've wondered if he ever abused her physically. Despite my love of a few black men I've known, most have been very unkind. Most seem to want to pursue me strictly on a sexual level because they believe the stereotypes about mixed women and white women being loose. The same with many Hispanic men I've encountered.
Relationships and all that aside, the multiracial experience has allowed me to be in on many things that "monoracial" individuals aren't privy to. My white skin and other traits have enabled me to observe many things about people in society, not only in America-whether blacks or whites. I've known people from different walks of life. Being multiracial allows me to have a unique perspective on others and why they think/feel/act the way they do. Sure, I hate being stared at rudely (mostly by blacks and Hispanics) and talked about...but I suppose that is what being mixed entails. Hmm...I do feel special because I'm mixed. Not many people can say they've had our experiences, right?
I see myself as a work in progress. I'm not really a religious person but I am spiritual. I believe that when we were all created, there were no mistakes made. I didn't know anyone like myself growing up that I could relate to. And I'm talking as lately as the year 2003! I'm slowly learning to accept all of me and this site is so instrumental in helping me do that. I believe one problem my black ex-boyfriend had, along with his family, was the fact that I wouldn't define myself the way they wanted me to. I feel they would've been more open had I simply said I was "black", nothing more. The only problem is, I don't look black and I'm not African-American. I don't identify as black but instead multiracial. Other people don't identify me as black.
When I would talk about Mediterranean date rolls that my mother's family would make on special occasions, I would get strange looks and miffed attitudes...as if I were "acting white" by mentioning that part of my heritage, or worse, lying about it! The relationship simply wasn't worth it if I couldn't be accepted as myself.
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). They pondered with extreme interest about where I'd acquired this attitude. They considered various theories between themselves. Guess my mother's not the only eavesdropper in my family. The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. This notion of lighter is better is so pervasive that I cannot to this day attribute my misconception to one specific encounter. It's like trying to pinpoint where the softened butter is in a homogeneous pancake batter. Although, in every batch of pancake batter, there may be some small chunks of butter that weren't completely blended in and you can see these. I remember being praised for my long hair, green eyes, and pretty tan color. These compliments were sometimes given to me by the parents of darker children in their children's presence. I noticed that the darker girls with the shorter hair didn't get the same praise. See the chunks? Obviously, experiences like these were a contribution to my misconceptions.
