Posted: Mon 06 Aug 2007 15:16 Post subject: 'Could Mr. Right Be White?'
'Could Mr. Right Be White?'
Aug 4 03:05 PM US/Eastern
By DIONNE WALKERAssociated Press Writer
RICHMOND, Va. (AP) - For years, Toinetta Jones played the dating game by her mom's strict rule. "Mom always told me, 'Don't you ever bring a white man home,'" recalled Jones, echoing an edict issued by many Southern, black mothers. But at 37, the Alexandria divorcee has shifted to dating "anyone who asks me out," regardless of race. "I don't sit around dreaming about the perfect black man I'm going to marry," Jones said. Black women around the country also are reconsidering deep-seated reservations toward interracial relationships, reservations rooted in America's history of slavery and segregation. They're taking cues from their favorite stars—from actress Shar Jackson to tennis pro Venus Williams—as well as support blogs, how- to books and interracially themed novels telling them it's OK to "date out." It comes as statistics suggest American black women are among the least likely to marry. "I'm not saying that white men are the answer to all our problems," Jones said. "I'm just saying that they offer a different solution." She reflects many black women frustrated as the field of marriageable black men narrows: They're nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated than white men and more than twice as likely to be unemployed. Census data showed 117,000 black wife-white husband couples in 2006, up from 95,000 in 2000. There were just 26,000 such couples in 1960, before a Supreme Court ruling banished laws against mixed marriages. Black female-white male romance has become a hot topic in black-geared magazines and on Web sites, even hitting the big screen in movies like last year's "Something New." That film centers on an affluent black woman who falls for her white landscaper, a situation not unlikely as black women scale the corporate ladder, said Evia Moore, whose interracial marriage blog draws 1,000 visitors a day. It features articles like "Could Mr. Right Be White?" and pictures of couples like white chef Wolfgang Puck and his new Ethiopian wife. "Black women are refusing to comply with that message about just find yourself a good blue-collar man with a job, or just find a black man," Moore said. She pointed to low rates of black men in college, a place where women of all races often meet their spouses. Black women on campus largely are surrounded by non-black men: In 26.5 percent of black males ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college versus 36.5 percent of black women that age, according to the American Council on Education's most recent statistics. Even after college, Roslyn Holcomb struggled to meet professional black men. "I wanted to get married (and) have children," she said. "If I was only meeting one guy a year, or every few years, that wasn't going to happen." The Alabama author eventually married white. "I think a lot of black women are realizing or feeling that the pickings are slim," she said. They're made even slimmer, grumble many black women, by high rates of successful black men choosing blondes. For some, they argue, white wives are the ultimate status symbol. "They don't want a dark chocolate sister laying around their swimming pool," Moore said. Nearly three quarters of the 403,000 black-white couples in 2006 involved black husbands. Meanwhile, psychic barriers have discouraged black women from crossing racial lines. "Black women are socialized to stick by their men," explained Kellina Craig-Henderson, a Howard University psychology professor who studied 15 black women dating interracially. She said modern black women agonize over breaking male-female bonds forged in slavery and strengthened through the Jim Crow era. "It may be even more of an issue for educated black women who have a sense of the historical realities of this country, where black women often were abused at the hands of white men," Craig-Henderson said. Jones remembered being troubled when a white man politely approached her around 1990. Her stance softened years later, after a sobering party experience. "All the black men literally pushed (us) out the way to talk to the blondes," said Jones, who soon declared, "I'm going to date whoever." Black men and women have openly feuded before. At places like Atlanta's Spelman College, black women have rallied against black male rappers characterizing them as promiscuous. But black men are voicing their own frustrations with women they feel regard them with suspicion. "They treat us all the same," said W. Randy Short, a Washington writer who dates across races. "The rapist on the TV is the same as me." It's a frustration director Tim Alexander tackles in "Diary of a Tired Black Man," a frank film covering everything from black women's demeanors to their weight. Frustrated by black women, the main character dates a white one. "To a certain degree, black people are sick of each other," Alexander said. "It would be better for black men and black women to open their options." But Ayo Handy-Kendi, creator of Black Love Day, argues blacks are simply reacting to messages linking success with whiteness. She referred to a string of successful athletes with white partners, including golfer Tiger Woods. "They normally rejected their culture and they went to the acceptable standard of success—a white woman," said Handy-Kendy, who thought it ironic high-achieving black women were mimicking the behavior. Back in Virginia, Jones feels life is too short to ponder race when it comes to love. As for mom, Jones figures, "she really admires the fact that I did something she may have really wanted to do, and never did."
Call me idealistic, but I've always felt that certain things don't matter when it comes to love.
I've always been viewed as a "trophy" by most black men because of my white appearance. There was this tendency to sexualize me in their minds. Not that they didn't do that to "authentic" black women...but with me, there was an underlying hostility to it.
With this white male who is 11 years older than me (I'm in my twenties), there is none of that. He has admitted that he is sexually attracted to me but he's displayed the utmost respect. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, is very attentive, and we hold conversations on many subjects. This is definitely a different experience. I was with a black man who came from a middle-class family and he did none of those things. Sure, he would take me out to eat once in a while and I appreciated it because I loved him, but there were vast differences in who we were as people. In the six years of our relationship there was no meaningful conversation. We had nothing in common. My white mother is thrilled about this new guy and it has nothing to do with him being 6'4", white, handsome with dark hair and blue eyes. She sees the difference in how he treats me compared to my ex-fiance.
Posted: Tue 07 Aug 2007 14:39 Post subject: White mates
pianoplayer111 wrote:
Call me idealistic, but I've always felt that certain things don't matter when it comes to love.
I've always been viewed as a "trophy" by most black men because of my white appearance. There was this tendency to sexualize me in their minds. Not that they didn't do that to "authentic" black women...but with me, there was an underlying hostility to it.
With this white male who is 11 years older than me (I'm in my twenties), there is none of that. He has admitted that he is sexually attracted to me but he's displayed the utmost respect. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, is very attentive, and we hold conversations on many subjects. This is definitely a different experience. I was with a black man who came from a middle-class family and he did none of those things. Sure, he would take me out to eat once in a while and I appreciated it because I loved him, but there were vast differences in who we were as people. In the six years of our relationship there was no meaningful conversation. We had nothing in common. My white mother is thrilled about this new guy and it has nothing to do with him being 6'4", white, handsome with dark hair and blue eyes. She sees the difference in how he treats me compared to my ex-fiance.
You DESERVE a man who treats you with both respect and affection. Go for this guy! I sincerely believe (based on years of reading and observation) that women who are brought up to see themselves as part of the "black" group when they are physically white receive the indrect message (usually from blacks) that they should or will be queens to black men but are not good enough for white men. The result is often that the women take abuse from black men because they think they will not be acceptable as wives to non-black males. THAT is a total myth.
I also note that a person of white phenotype and "black" identity often becomes a "helpless white" upon whom many blacks can safely take out their hatred of whites in general. I would sincerely like to see that issue seriously discussed on the ODR forum, but the conversation is usually ended when someone claims that a frank discussion of the topic is an "insult" to blacks.
Well, Ms. Powell, that is because people cannot handle the truth about certain things.
It is neither an insult or an affront to black people...it is the truth. Many black men are decent and not all white men are, but this is somebody I feel very comfortable with, like we've known one another for years. There's a mental connection that was lacking in my previous relationship. And what you said is true...despite my phenotype, I grew up believing that the only men I was "supposed" to have were men of color. White men were off-limits. They were reserved for "pure" white girls or Latinas or Asians.
My mother didn't instill this in me...it was learned at school, from black kids. White boys liked me but because I was Miss Militant One-Drop Pro-Black back then, I scared them a bit. I had a black identity in early adolescence when I started public school because people were saying all that stuff about: "you look white but you'll always be black". I was one mixed-up kid, no pun intended! This man is wonderful. I feel alive in his company. It could be the start of a very special relationship...
Pianoplayer111, it sounds like you've definately found a keeper for sure! I also appreciate your balanced view that not all black men are inadequate and not all white men are wonderful. Racializing our choices for romance can often times rob us of great opportunities to find someone who is truely wonderful. It's horrible what racialism does to people in regard to what you've shared about certain guys being considered off limits to you for what amounts to very stupid reasons. I wish you and your significant other all the best.
Call me idealistic, but I've always felt that certain things don't matter when it comes to love.
I've always been viewed as a "trophy" by most black men because of my white appearance. There was this tendency to sexualize me in their minds. Not that they didn't do that to "authentic" black women...but with me, there was an underlying hostility to it.
With this white male who is 11 years older than me (I'm in my twenties), there is none of that. He has admitted that he is sexually attracted to me but he's displayed the utmost respect. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, is very attentive, and we hold conversations on many subjects. This is definitely a different experience. I was with a black man who came from a middle-class family and he did none of those things. Sure, he would take me out to eat once in a while and I appreciated it because I loved him, but there were vast differences in who we were as people. In the six years of our relationship there was no meaningful conversation. We had nothing in common. My white mother is thrilled about this new guy and it has nothing to do with him being 6'4", white, handsome with dark hair and blue eyes. She sees the difference in how he treats me compared to my ex-fiance.
Seriously, Mindy. For me it's getting to the point that just hearing about a couple that has declared their love despite a taboo makes my day. They are truly returning to the natural order of things. Though I don't buy into to the whole "representation" thing that the politically-minded love to go on about, these couples do remind us that love is more important and more fundamental than the "isms" we have erected. Roses can grow through concrete.
I would have to say this more carefully in the public fora but I am going to speak frankly here: It is my belief that Black American men and many Afrodescended men from other cultures have adopted personalities expressing a dangerous combination of infantalism, misogyny and internalized self-hatred on racial grounds. Lightskinned women in Black or societies with Afro-based colorism are particularly vulnerable to a special color-struck madonna/whore complex that these men develop about them, whereas darker skinned women are vulnerable to the more universal version of that complex. Skin color is only one facet, hair texture and features also come into play.
I hope that your man continues to be good to you and reinforce the notion that you deserve to be treated well. And if he doesn't there are dozens who will! Personally I think the age difference factors in heavily. Perhaps culture does as well. But unfortunately, men from any background can and do objectify women. What seems to make the difference is finding a man who sees you as a person and not a prize.
I am not comparing myself, but just offering these anecdote as reinforcement: My ex-fiance (the ex I often refer to; he is my daughter's father) comes from a wealthy Black family in the Philadelphia area. Most are fairskinned and extremely pro-Black. Some are racist against Whites. My ex's mother is cafe au lait with green eyes and straight brown hair. She has European features. His father is naturally a couple shades darker but is tanned caramel with African features and very coiled hair. My ex is his mother's color with light brown eyes and his father's features. His father considers his mother a trophy but is extremely abusive to her (I don't even want to get into it but your skin would crawl if I told you more). His favorite daughter is lighter than the mother (looks Asian Indian if she covers her coiled hair) and his least favorite is the darkest. Funny thing is that all of the kids except for my ex's brother (married a White woman, to the everlasting "shame" of the family) chose S.O.'s that are dark. My ex has what I would call a fetish for dark skin and some real issues with lightskinned women, likely because of his family dynamics. He also played football, and in those circles women are either mute showpieces or worker bees who stay in the shadows. Apparently, for the average Black athlete, these archtypes usually translate to lightskinned "showpieces" or darkskinned "worker bees." My ex once told me that my only "disqualifier" for "universal showpiece status" was my dark skin. It was a source of pride for my ex that he wasn't attracted to White women or most lightskinned women. Yet being this man's prize didn't do me one bit of good. I certainly did not want my daughter growing up around these crazy people nor did I wish to perpetuate the cycle of abuse in that family (nothing physical in my case, but very subversive and gradual mental abuse that took me a while to recognize and extricate myself from).
Here's another one that is funnier but still sad. My aunt is very pretty and on the lighter side of medium brown, maybe golden (she kind of looks like Tina Turner). She's one of those women who has always attracted worshippers and stalkers, so she is definitely a "trophy" for my uncle. She and my mother look a lot alike except for their noses/lips and height. Her husband is dark and has a very light mother (hmm, I see a trend lol). She is "required" to wear a blond weave (her natural color is dark brown). He apparently pitches a fit and pouts if she changes her hair. Imagine being married to a man who won't accept that your natural hair color is not blonde???
Posted: Tue 07 Aug 2007 15:44 Post subject: "Trophy Wives"
Thanks for sharing, Maya.
I've also noted this trend of the "light-skinned black" female paired with the much darker male. It is so common, one would think that racial mixture produces mostly females instead of the usual 50/50 sex ratio. I once did a google search on this topic and found many quotes from self-defined "light-skinned black" women BOASTING that they deliberately found themselves the darkest possible husbands so their children would not have their "color" problem. I've never heard of that mindset being denounced in "black" circles, though a preference for "light-skinned" mates is frequently denounced (especially if both spouses are "light-skinned").
Where are the "light-skinned" males? I have read a few works that strongly suggest that such men are far more likely to "pass" into the white community or marry white-identified spouses. Factors encouraging this trend include the greater mobility and financial opportunities open to males along with the socially-sanctioned male role as the initiator of courtship.
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I had a black identity in early adolescence when I started public school because people were saying all that stuff about: "you look white but you'll always be black". I was one mixed-up kid, no pun intended! This man is wonderful. I feel alive in his company. It could be the start of a very special relationship...